Tag: emotional impact

Showing Emotion–part 2

~ Judi Lynn ~ 2 Comments

I recently wrote about showing emotion in a story. My theory is that if your character doesn’t react and show emotion, the reader doesn’t get the full impact of it either. I wrote a scene for SOLSTICE RETRIBUTION, my Muddy River novella that I really liked, but it didn’t hit as hard as I wanted it to. And then I remembered my own theory. So I put it to use. And I thought I’d share the difference between the before and after. Hopefully, the second version is better:)

FIRST TRY:

We all scrambled to keep up with Drago as we walked to the central cauldron.  It was a comfortable night.  The sun hinged on the horizon, painting it with rose and gold, and would be gone soon.  The gong rang before we reached our destination, and when we got there, it looked like every witch had come to attend the last ceremony.  The area was crowded, witches packed together in a tight cluster.

We stood near the back, behind the ring of women.  Voices hushed as Beatrix climbed stairs to a platform so that everyone could see her.  She wore a long, flowing black robe and carried her wand.  Once she had everyone’s attention, she raised her arms.  “We call upon Hecate, our goddess, to bless our final night of solstice festivities.”

A shiver raced up my spine.  This was the last celebration of our goddess.  Tomorrow, witches partied.  Would Hecate be happy with this festival?

Beatrix performed all of the usual rituals, and I took comfort in the old traditions.  There was something to be said for pomp and circumstance.  Raven and Drago watched, looking slightly nervous.  Finally, Beatrix raised her arms to end the ceremony, but before she could close it, a green mist rose from the cauldron.  It spiraled upward and grew.  Witches fidgeted, wary, as it snaked into individual strands and wove through the crowd. reaching out to touch Beatrix, Moraiah, Ashe, Comfrey, Jezebel, Desdemona, Crystal, Destiny, and Yarrow.  It wrapped around them, tightening like a fist.  Then the moon turned bloodred.

SECOND TRY:

We all scrambled to keep up with Drago as we walked to the central cauldron.  It was a comfortable night.  The sun hinged on the horizon, painting the sky with rose and gold.  It would be gone soon.  The gong rang before we reached our destination, and when we got there, it looked like every witch had come to attend the last ceremony.  The area was crowded, witches packed together in a tight cluster.

We stood near the back, behind the ring of women.  Voices hushed as Beatrix climbed the stairs to a platform so that everyone could see her.  She wore a long, flowing black robe and carried her wand.  Once she had everyone’s attention, she raised her arms.  “We come to praise Hecate, mother of witches, and to ask her blessings upon us, her followers.”

A shiver raced up my spine.  This was the last celebration of our goddess.  Tomorrow, witches partied.  Would Hecate be pleased with this festival?

Beatrix performed all of the usual rituals that I and my coven performed at every full moon, and I took comfort in the old traditions.  There was something to be said for pomp and circumstance.  Raven and Drago watched, looking slightly nervous.  Finally, Beatrix raised her arms to end the ceremony, and witches stirred, ready to join up with friends, but before she could say her final words, a green mist rose from the cauldron.  It spiraled upward and grew.  Silence hung heavy in the air.  We all watched, mesmerized, fearful.  Witches fidgeted, wary, as it snaked into individual strands and began to weave through the crowd.

One witch flinched when it brushed past her.  I held my breath, hoping it didn’t reach us.  Drago tensed, ready to shift.  Flames danced over Raven’s arms.  I felt magic build inside me. The mist reached Beatrix, Moraiah, Ashe, Comfrey, Jezebel, Desdemona, Crystal, Destiny, and Yarrow.  It wrapped around them, tightening like a fist.  Then the moon turned bloodred.

THAT’S IT. HOPE YOUR WRITING IS GOING WELL! JULY’S ALMOST OVER. ENJOY THE END OF SUMMER.

Writing: How do you make it immediate?

~ Judi Lynn ~ 6 Comments

Recently, I finished a first draft of an Enoch/Fallen Angels novella that I want to do something with–not sure what yet. I’ve thought about putting it online for free–which I can’t do at amazon unless it price matches smashwords and other sites–but I’ve never had much luck getting amazon to price match. Then I thought of putting it on my webpage for free, but I can never tell if anyone ever reads those or not. I don’t get any feedback, so they’re sort of frustrating, so I’m still debating. But just writing the damned story was a bit frustrating, too. I started out with one idea, and the story sort of decided to do its own thing–which I don’t usually allow–but this time, I decided to go for it. And it ended up more of a mystery plot than an urban fantasy. I like it, but the plot took over the story, and that, I don’t like. The story’s not immediate. It keeps the reader at a distance, which might be all right for a mystery, but it’s not all that great for urban fantasy. So I want to tweak the voice more.

Voice is the one thing that sets one writer apart from all others. It’s the turn of phrase, the attitude and word choice, the themes he chooses, and the way he structures his story that makes him unique. But more than that, some writers are more cerebral than others. My friend, Paula, writes stories with so many layers and so much depth that I happily immerse myself in them and try to keep up. Mary Lou Rigdon (also Julia Donner) imbues her novels with wit and humor. A new writer to our group, Sia Marion, practically lives inside her characters’ skins and we share what’s happening to them. Her stories are so immediate, the reader just goes along for the ride. (See for yourself. She has lots of flash fiction on her webpage: http://sia4215.blogspot.com/)

I’ll never be THAT immediate, so, how do I breathe more feeling into my Enoch novella? For that, I usually have to delve deeper into my characters. Any writer who’s finished more than a few stories and gotten feedback knows that you never tell. You show. Every description and experience is told through your character’s eyes, hopefully, through action or dialogue. And that’s a start, but it’s not enough.
When I have Enoch walk up to Caleb’s casino and fortress, I show it through his eyes and share his reactions/feelings to his friend’s obsession for pleasure. I was happy enough with that, but once the plot hits full swing, I have Enoch react, but his reactions don’t let us know enough about him. They’re not telling enough–those small, fleeting thoughts that reveal character. I need more internal dialogue, more give and take with people who push Enoch to places he’s not comfortable with. I need more emotion! Another rule for making writing immediate is to get rid of the “he thought,” “he wondered,” type phrases in your writing. Instead of “Enoch wondered if he could trust Darius,”–which creates a distance between the thought and the reader, just say, “Could he trust Darius? Enoch glanced at the vampire beside him. Vampires were hard to read. Could he believe anything Darius told him?” Just an example. I want the reader to be inside Enoch’s head, to “hear” his thoughts.

Anyway, some writers are more immediate than others, but it’s something to consider when you write. The more immediate, the bigger the emotional pay-off. An entire novel doesn’t have to be written one way or another. There are action scenes, “soft” scenes that let the reader catch his breath, and scenes for emotional impact. But there should never be a boring scene. That’s when the reader can put the book down, and he might not pick it back up.

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